NOT MY FAULT!
As most of you will know, I decided to do a pirouette and fell off the arm of my sofa, broke a bone in my wrist, had a plaster cast on for 5 weeks, then a splint and it is still not fully healed.
I have been so frustrated as have not been able to drive – other than that it’s been a good reason for me to do as little as possible except to stop and do a bit of reflection. I wonder if you’ve ever done that? No, not talking about breaking your bone!!! I am talking about making a choice, or an enforced one, to stop and reflect. If not, when you do look back, I’ll bet you’ll be surprised at how far you’ve come, and what you’ve achieved during your journey to now.
And it isn’t only what you’ve done in the outer world. No, it is also looking to see all the inner changes you have made too. I am sure they will also surprise you.
On my journey to being a Chartered Counselling Psychologist, I had lots of therapy – not only because it was a requirement of my Psychotherapy Training Organisation (The Psychosynthesis Trust in London) but because I knew I needed it. I learned so much about myself and re-connected with my inner spark. I also learned that I had to take back – own – so much of what I saw was everyone else’s fault – No way was it me! It was all being done to me! It was all their fault!
Even after all these years, on occasions when someone hurts, belittles, ridicules, embarrasses or somehow disrespects me in some way, I can feel my openness to life and my faith in human beings being shaken. That inner light turns down and dims a little.
What I have done at those times is to become smaller to protect myself and my heart. I have allowed myself to shrink and become invisible. Or else I have closed my heart and moved away from that person and not hit out in retaliation and anger.
There has been at times, a subtle shift (and not so subtle – like being hit over the head with a hammer!) in my awareness. The growing quality of my experience has changed as I’ve connected with myself. I have the awareness that I can have compassion for myself when my thinking and behaviour are incongruent (I am only human) and for others too. I know that, however the other is towards me, I have a choice in how I react. And their behaviour or attitude may say nothing (or very little) about me and say more about them!
I am more able to see the wonder in life and that we are all connected in some way. You may also have experienced that subtle or obvious connection. I would say that you will all have had them and simply don’t always recognise them. There will be moments when you’ve been caught by the beauty or wonder or magic in life through music, children, art, being united in something with others, laughter, sharing, learning, prayer… These are the times when you know that there is marvel and vitality to all life, and what happens in your heart is what connects you to yourself and others.
A learning that I’d like to share with you is that those of you who think they are scared of life, actually have the courage to be in it. Why? Because you put yourselves forward time and time again. You allow yourselves to be visible in many different ways, from the little to the large. You simply don’t realise it.
Another learning to share with you is that what you express in the world, e.g. a beautiful smile – then you give smiles to the world, clarity – then you give clarity, singing then you sing, that these are your purposes. Your purpose doesn’t have to be a huge thing. There are not many of us who can be a Nelson Mandela or Oprah Winfrey for example. In my opinion, your purpose in being here is to be Yourself – to express you into the world.
When you do stop and take your life all in, you’ll be able to breathe into it and see that when you had tough times that were painful, you also had lots of good times, support and adventures. The latter are all in the bank of YOU, ready to withdraw when you need that little bit of encouragement when you’re thrown off track. It is good to linger over, and breathe into, those times that have been a delight especially when you look back at them.
So my final learning for you is for you to believe in, and be proud of yourself, and trust that you only have to breathe into that feeling of love to let it fulfil you. When you accept you in the craziness of life, you will accept how amazing you are, and connect with your delight in life
Have you had a look at my new Facebook Group yet? It’s called SIFITY (Stop It, Fuck It, Thank You) and it’s for those women who are on the road to facing their denial and owning ‘I Am Enough’ x