IS THIS YOU?
I am using this as an example and you may want to substitute your own example. ‘I wonder why I can never say ‘NO’ when I’m asked to share the bill when I don’t drink alcohol or have had only 1 course and some of the others have 2 or 3 courses!!!! It is so unfair.’
What is going on? These are supposed to be my friends and yet I don’t make a sound except tell other people how ungrateful these people have been.
Oh yes, I am good at speaking up to others but not at the time when it actually matters.
Could it be that I simply want to be liked and included by everyone – even those who take me and my generosity for granted?
Those who don’t actually see how ungenerous they are being or even enjoy being the bully to my victim???
It could be –
I don’t want to make a fuss
I don’t have a lot of spare money
I am lonely and want to be included
I am frightened to make a scene, be embarrassed and ashamed
I want to be seen as this really generous, inclusive person
I NEED TO BE LIKED
I don’t want to be seen as mean or different from the others
I am afraid they won’t ask me again
It is too scarey to stand up for myself
…………………………………………………………….. (YOU could put your reason here!!)
Boundaries
It is human nature that we all want to be included – to feel we are part of – to be on the inside of a Group, and remember two people can be a Group.
There is no problem in that BUT where are Your boundaries??
If you feel less than in some way after your event, it is really important that you take the time to reflect on what has gone on for you.
It is also important that you acknowledge to yourself your fear of what could happen as then you can deal with it when you are ready.
Choice
It can be frightening to step out of the ‘herd thinking’. I am not denying that. And it is important to see why You do it.
You then have a CHOICE – do it, don’t do it, do it on occasions we feel its appropriate and so on.
Give yourself a break by stopping being hard on yourself – see what is actually happening for you and then make your choice.
I see you.
