Lost and found in this lonely planet
This blog is about what can happen when we don’t own a part of our reality – our neediness – or when we feel lost and out of kilter with the rest of the world.
Most go around these days saying ‘I don’t need anyone’ or something along the lines of –
I can cope on my own!
I am an independent woman!
I am a big girl now!
I don’t need anyone to help me!
Don’t tell me what to do!
And mainly
I don’t need anyone!
If you are like me, I think it has something to do with the word need that could make you cringe, cause you to feel ashamed and know you definitely don’t want to be called that. No way, Jose – that is not me!!
And yet your neediness is part of your development and it only becomes an issue when you don’t see yourself as an individual first.
What is neediness?
Neediness is a form of dependency which is not in itself a bad thing – in fact, it is totally normal and acceptable as we needed this to survive and stay alive.
It affects us all from birth as we all have fears of abandonment – nobody is an island. It’s our fear of being excluded and on our own – so we needed to be part of something – to belong. The pain of loss is still within us and that makes us vulnerable when in any relationship. We don’t want to be left or lost and on our own. We want to be found and be part of.
Remember, you and I are interdependent. As I’ve already said, it is the human condition that we are not meant to be alone and isolated. Yes, be an individual and also acknowledge that it is the human condition to be part of a group. Then we can acknowledge we are independent and also inter-dependent.
Clinginess
Clinginess is an extreme form of dependency which isn’t normal (and not talking about babies here), and can be seen as desperation and then there can be a problem or two.
This over-neediness is your own issue as it comes from past damage which has affected your self-esteem. In our make-up, we all lack something (do you know a perfect human being??), and think that someone else will make us whole – two parts of the same coin – not so!!
All of us, in some form or another, are needy – have neediness – however much we think or say we are not!!
We all need to be seen, acknowledged, be included and to be part of something whether a group, a community, a family……………………… It is indispensable nourishment for our soul. When this need isn’t met, it leads to pain inside you that is all the more searing when you are conscious of it.
The Asking
What do we do about it? The main thing for me is that we can all forget to ask for help and support. It is as simple and as hard as that!! The important thing is the asking as until you ask, you can’t receive anything different from what you have now. If you are lucky enough, sometimes a person will be there for you spontaneously as they are aware that you simply need that support and don’t want anything from you – this can be rare.
Research
I love the following piece of research that I got from a FB friend, Isaac George –
‘The average length of a hug between two people is 3 seconds. But researchers have discovered something fantastic. When a hug lasts 20 seconds, there is a therapeutic effect on the body and mind. The reason is that a sincere hug produces a hormone called ‘oxytocin’ (also known as the love hormone). This substance has many benefits in our physical and mental health, helps us, among other things to relax, to feel safe and calms our fears and anxiety.
This wonderful calming is offered free of charge every time we have a person in our arms, we cradle a child, we cherish a dog or cat, we’re dancing with our partner, the closer we get to someone or just hold the shoulder of a friend.’ (Robert Milstein)
It is wonderful to have this proven even though you and I have known it all along – the benefits of giving a hug!!!
Benevolent Touching and Hugging
Benevolent touching is a very old way of healing and this kind of focused physical contact most probably stimulates our life force not just on an emotional level but on a biological level inside our very cells. Something in touching and being touched can even strengthen the will to live in us.
It allows us to receive that moment of more of letting go to and trusting another. When we get a real, giving hug, we can feel supported and be able to lean upon someone and rest, even if it’s just for a moment or two.
Healing
In my opinion, the healing comes about not by saying anything but by letting the other know that their pain, their suffering and their fear matters. You are giving them refuge and silently saying, ‘I see you and you really matter’.
We no longer have to fear being lost and can feel we have been found on this lonely planet during that time.
No Hugs?
A life without hugs is bereft of meaning and joy! So are you with me??? Is your hand up for more of the giving and receiving of Hugs?? I hope so because mine definitely is.
If my words touch you, I’d appreciate you sharing this. And if you’d like a ‘virtual hug’ from me, then let’s see how I can do that for you in some way by contacting me on irene@irenebrankin.co.uk or via my website www.thevisiblewoman.com
[/et_pb_text][/et_pb_column][/et_pb_row][et_pb_row admin_label=”Row”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″][et_pb_image admin_label=”Image” src=”http://www.thevisiblewoman.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/IreneSignature.jpg” show_in_lightbox=”off” url_new_window=”off” use_overlay=”off” animation=”off” sticky=”off” align=”left” force_fullwidth=”off” always_center_on_mobile=”on” use_border_color=”off” border_color=”#ffffff” border_style=”solid” /][/et_pb_column][/et_pb_row][et_pb_row admin_label=”Row”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″][et_pb_text admin_label=”Text” background_layout=”light” text_orientation=”left” use_border_color=”off” border_color=”#ffffff” border_style=”solid”]Also great news, my next Day Workshop is on 24th March in Leigh-on-Sea (after my successful one in January) so why not come along and receive a real hug from me.
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Beautifully expressed Irene.
Thank you.
Thank you, Cathy, and lovely hearing from you xx